It was October 3rd, and I was so fucking angry at the traffic. I hated making you wait. I don’t even know if I was angry at the road, or at all the people, or at myself. All I wished was that I could teleport to you just to see you, even if I couldn’t touch you.

When I finally met you there, I pretended not to notice you. I was afraid to show how excited I was, how fucking happy I felt just knowing you were in the same space, even if I couldn’t be near you. It was a sensation in my spine, but instead of anesthetic, it was every feeling possible flooding me at once.

I had dreaded that day because a few nights before, I knew. I knew I was about to say it. I kept rehearsing in my head how I’d speak without crying. I failed miserably. When it came time to talk and you asked me what I thought we should do, I didn’t know what you expected me to say. But I knew you didn’t see it coming that the right thing for us to do was to stop what we were doing, because we had fallen in love without meaning to.

It was after you fucked me so good that I had to cry. And I’m glad we did it in person, because I got to feel the warmth of your soul for the last time. Your touch, your kiss, your comfort, your existence that I still can’t figure out, and a confirmation that God is true, because He created something as beautiful as you.

You didn’t have to say anything. I know you love me too. And you loving me back was like a knife in my heart, because I knew we couldn’t do anything about this love. Our love had nowhere to go, and we both knew it.

It broke me when you were kind enough to ask if I could go on top of you and hug you. When I felt your warmth, my eyes became streams, and my lungs filled with love and frustration, suffocating me with the question of why I can’t have you. You really did see me naked there. We couldn’t help but keep making love, because that’s what we felt, so that’s what we did.

Being on top of you felt like fighting off all the demons trying to take the real you away from this world. It meant giving you peace. It meant giving you everything you deserved. And that’s what we both wanted, to take care of each other. It was never hard to come. On top of you, but you’re the one who’s conquering me. You looked me in the eyes and said, “I want this, forever.” It took me to another dimension where I am yours and you are mine, forever.

We kept saying “I love you.”
I lose myself every time I remember you calling me my love. My head spins. I go crazy. You gave me the warmest hug, the kind that made me forget all the pain I’ve ever known.

And then we both agreed to leave while we’re still in love. Because I want to remember you in this light. Remember you this way. This version, good or bad, is the version God let me see, so beautiful, so pure.

…and in the end, you gave me your jacket, something I will treasure forever. This jacket meant I will wear and feel you forever. That in years, I’ll be wearing you still.

Oh, to be loved by you, my love.