People are often busy trying to figure others out, and I sometimes wonder where they find the energy. Trying to understand yourself is already demanding work, lifelong, daily, and often uncomfortable. When you begin that process seriously, you realize how unnecessary it is to dissect other people.

Self-understanding requires constant reflection, emotional regulation, and what many psychologists refer to as shadow work, the process of acknowledging parts of ourselves we would rather avoid. Research consistently shows that self-awareness is linked to better emotional well-being, healthier relationships, and improved decision-making (Silvia & O’Brien, 2004; Sutton, Williams, & Allinson, 2015). With that in mind, spending excessive time analyzing others can feel like misplaced effort.

So I often ask: What do you want to know about me, AND why?

Many of us try to understand people not out of curiosity, but out of a desire to please, to adapt, or to gain approval. But self-respect begins when we learn to prioritize understanding and caring for ourselves first. Without that foundation, external validation becomes the goal, and personal boundaries blur.

Learning who you are should be a priority. Much of the hostility in the world stems from people who have never identified their own emotional triggers. Psychological studies on emotional regulation suggest that individuals who lack insight into their internal states are more likely to react defensively or aggressively when challenged (Gross, 2015). When we don’t understand ourselves, we project confusion outward.

Because of this, I’ve learned to be intentional about what I share, especially in professional settings or with acquaintances. Concealing personal truths isn’t dishonesty; it’s discernment. Not everyone needs access to the inner workings of my life, and fragmented information rarely helps anyone. Knowing details about me does not equip others to fix, understand, or improve me, and that is not their role.

This isn’t indifference. It’s boundaries.

Beyond my children, I cannot imagine feeling entitled to deeply personal information about others. Curiosity without care serves no purpose.

Understanding yourself before trying to understand others contributes to a healthier society. When individuals grow internally, that growth naturally extends outward. There is simple logic in this. For example, when you pause to examine why something angers you, that reflection can lead to resolution rather than resentment.

In psychology, this concept is often discussed through projection theory, originally introduced by Freud and later expanded upon in modern clinical psychology. Projection suggests that intense dislike or judgment toward others can sometimes reflect unacknowledged desires, insecurities, or traits within ourselves (Baumeister et al., 1998). Accepting this idea is difficult; it requires humility. Admitting that you may want something you criticize, or envy something you condemn, is uncomfortable.

But in my experience, acceptance is gentler than denial. Once I understand why something triggers me, I can work through it instead of fighting it. Maybe I want what they have. Maybe I admire what I pretend to hate. And there is nothing wrong with that.

I call this being gentle with myself.

Unchecked hatred hardens the heart. Research shows that chronic anger and resentment are associated with increased stress, poorer health outcomes, and emotional exhaustion (Chida & Steptoe, 2009). In that way, hatred becomes a form of self-inflicted harm.

So no, please stop trying to figure me out.
I am busy doing that work myself.