Do you remember our first trip out of town together? I do. I was already sick before that day, but all I wanted was to be cold with you. On the way there, I kept talking. About what, I don’t remember anymore. Maybe you don’t either. What I remember is this: I love how much I talk when I’m with you. I love that version of myself.

I got really sick, and everyone was worried. Especially you. I remember asking myself why it had to happen then, why my body chose that exact moment to fail me. I couldn’t stop crying. I was afraid you would leave. But you didn’t. You stayed. You kept looking at me, like you were memorizing me.

The bed was huge, but it was only warm when you lay beside me. I stayed on my phone, pretending to avoid conversation. We talked anyway.

Victor, do you remember what happened right before we kissed? I don’t. I only remember the kiss itself, hard, consuming. It tasted like that life I’m about to have. It felt like electricity flooding my brain, your current running through me until I lost myself. It was as if I knew what was coming without fully understanding what was happening.

Watching you take off your clothes, I wanted to tear away what was left of me just so I could give it all to you. I wanted you to devour me. And you did. We kissed so deeply I could almost taste your soul, your past, your wounds, everything that led you to me. It was intoxicating, so delicious. 

Outside, the cold pressed in. Inside, we were volcanoes, about to erupt and destroy everything we respected. My body felt like meat lowered into boiling water, my flesh, my soul, softened and made tender.

I couldn’t help but spread my legs under the weight of your power. I felt helpless, and I felt beautiful. Like a flower in full bloom, asking to be watered so I could open wider.

Victor, the way you do this to me is a labyrinth I can’t solve. I find heat in the most nonsexual things you do, in conversation, in simply lying beside me. I feel you without touch. Just knowing your body was there, that you were mine in that moment, made me shiver.

I couldn’t believe I got to have you all to myself, to experience your warmth, even briefly, until the day my body decides to go cold.

Love,
Maryjo