emily rata-something (i don’t know how to spell and pronounce it) recently wrote an essay for the cut titled motherfcker*, about sex as a single mom. recently, it has become a hot topic, especially on tiktok. even people who don’t have children, or have never experienced pregnancy or childbirth, suddenly have something to say. for the clout, obviously.

honestly, if that’s how she feels, then those feelings are valid because she lived that experience. only she knows what it cost her. but just because i understand where she’s coming from doesn’t mean it aligns with my morals and values. empathy is not the same as agreement.

the article talks about how becoming a mother, particularly with the wrong man, ruined her. the graphic descriptions of what pregnancy and childbirth did to her body and soul, in my opinion, felt exaggerated at times, almost designed to provoke outrage. maybe that was the intention. maybe it wasn’t. either way, i’m not interested in rage bait.

she also said something that resonated with a lot of women: having a child with the wrong man can ruin your life. i understand why so many single mothers related to that. i really do.

what i don’t appreciate is the way single motherhood can sometimes be painted as though it inevitably leads to self-destruction. no matter how difficult it is to raise a child alone, not every single mother is out chasing validation, sleeping with strangers, or trying to rebel against the world because someone hurt her. just because one woman experienced motherhood that way doesn’t mean it defines everyone else’s experience.

i don’t like thinking that single motherhood, under any circumstance, has to look like that. yes, doing it alone is terrifying. yes, it isn’t ideal. yes, society can be cruel and shame women for it. but there is also pride in raising a child on your own. there is strength in surviving something you never planned for.

i didn’t write this for single mothers alone. i wrote it for every woman, every man, and every person who might read this, whether they have children or not.

because i believe that, in the end, only you can truly ruin yourself.

people can betray you. they can abandon you. they can wound you deeply. they can leave scars that stay with you for years. but they cannot decide what you do next.

again, based on her own argument, that is her body and her life. no one is putting a gun to your head and forcing you to make every decision that comes after the pain. eventually, there comes a point where your actions become your own.

you cannot always control what happens to you.

but you can choose what happens after.

only you should have access to your mind, your choices, and the person you become.